The 12 Astrological Signs At The Gym

ARIES

First to arrive, usually waiting outside the doors before the gym is open, or has found a 24/7 gym. Biggest Muscles? Pecs, Biceps, Quads, Calves, Ego. Great at initiating workouts and encouraging friends. Also great at encouraging strangers. Can be seen checking out everyone else to A) Scope out the competition and B) Add those checking them out to their mental fan base. Flexes dumbbells near the water station a lot. Typical Ram.

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TAURUS

Often found in the Gym Cafe, struggling to decide between coffee, pre-workout, protein balls, or a carb loaded meal. Works in short bursts alternating between power and naps. Likes HIIT, but needs 1 minute work 3 minutes rest. Best Asset? Shoulders. Slow to fire up, but once they have it’s probably best to get out of their way unless you want to be trampled. They don’t like taking advice, therefore they learn the hard way, usually through trial and error. Stubborn as a… Bull.

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GEMINI

You’ll first encounter a Gemini holding up the queue at the entry as they swipe in, they’ll be having several fast paced conversations at once, with the receptionist, their gym buddy, the person in front of them, the person behind them, and the guy on the bench press on the other side of the gym. Their voice and hands always get the best workout. Biggest muscles? Tongue and forearms. Also likely to find them bouncing in a step class, running on the treadmill while talking hands free on the phone, or in an endless loop of push ups, jumping squats, and high knee runs.

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CANCER

Works in the Creche. Also, the First Aid attendant, and the on site counsellor. Occasionally floats in an Aqua Aerobics class. Biggest Muscle? Emotional depth.

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LEO

Designer threads. Can periodically be found at the mirror checking their hair and image. The king of the jungle saunters between group classes where they have no issues being front and centre, performing on any prominently placed machine where an audience may gather, stretching like a cat in Yoga, and strength and conditioning in the middle of the floor. Annoyingly toned. Biggest muscles? Hair, nails, pecs, glutes.

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VIRGO

The most organised and consistent gym goer. Gymwear? Spot on. Towel and water? Check. You’ll find them correcting others form and technique, showing others how it’s done, and reminding everyone of the importance of never skipping any muscle group. Their workouts are systematic and repetitive but always on point. Need pre-workout or supplement advice? Ask Virgo. Biggest Muscle? Brain.

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LIBRA

Always adorned in luxurious designer gear and accessories, often not appropriate for a gym. You won’t see sweat, but you will see lots of posing. Sometimes they squat, sometimes they chat, often they prance. If they are missing, check the stretch area mirrors where they will be found posing for selfies, and photoshopping pics for their socials. Biggest Muscle? Botox.

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SCORPIO

Never afraid of a challenge, they will finish each set perfectly, and then do one more with gusto. Floats like a butterfly, stings like a Scorpion. Not one to underestimate, not one to mess with. Treat with respect, honour their strength and intelligence, and they will love you. Cross them with bullshit or any other unfair shenanigans, and you may well have a very heavy plate dropped on your foot, accidentally on purpose. Biggest Muscle? Any muscle used in revenge, it changes swiftly.

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SAGITTARIUS

Meets the crew at the gym, always trying to be more adventurous. Consistently tries to organise a night out after the gym to keep the social life rolling. Wants their squad to mix it up by joining them running marathons, going hiking, swimming, or surfing. In the gym, loves a bike or rower, and will always be checking out the opposite sex. Biggest muscle? Eyes.

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CAPRICORN

Disciplined. Determined. Can be a bit moody if there are too many people, or too many numpties curling in the squat rack. You may find them being offended and muttering after running into a Libran posing on the stretch floor. Usually arrive at the gym in a suit, change into colour co-ordinated gymwear, and then shower and leave in pyjamas. Biggest Muscle? Serious life outlook.

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AQUARIUS

Eccentric. Innovative. Whack. This is the free spirit who arrives at gym in an Army camouflage outfit with rollerskates and a spiked helmet. They then head to a ski machine. Most others steer clear of them in alarmed fascination. They manage to put in an awesome effort on the skiier, on rollerskates, in uniform. They then seem confused by the perplexed crowd looking at them! So, they humbly apologise and explain they had to come straight from cadet training, but their car broke down, so they used the rollerskates they had in the car so they didn’t miss gym. They giggle as they recall last time they used rollerskates, magpies attacked them, so they wore the anti-magpie attack helmet they had in the car boot. They then inform you they accidentally left their gym bag and gear in the car, and they figured the camo gear would ensure they didn’t court attention. Biggest Muscle? Non conformity.

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PISCES

Not sure why they came to the gym. Not sure if they should stay. Not sure which muscle group they want to target. Considers swapping a gym workout for a few laps of the pool. Decides against it. Asks a floor attendant for advice on if they should do a yoga class or a weighlifting session. Listens but ignores advice given. Finally decides to lean on a treadmill for 5 minutes while watching The Sound Of Music on an overhead monitor. Cries. Leaves exhausted, declares their gym time a ‘big workout session’ to anyone who cares to listen. Biggest Muscle? Indecision.

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